On "nice guys"

If you're a guy and you have ever uttered the phrase "nice guys finish last," I'm going to ask you one final time to get a fucking grip. 

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but I wanted to wait for some drama to blow over before I did.  In the meantime, Jenna Marbles actually ended up YouTubing the subject, and she probably said everything better than I ever could.  But I'll try anyway.

I have heard from so many guys about how the nice ones apparently finish last -- I see it on Facebook, I hear it from guy friends, and I've even heard it from guys that I have turned down.  "Women only date jerks," "she won't go out with me because she can't handle someone nice for once," "do women even have any self respect?  they can't see a good man when he's right in front of her," etc.  To add to what Jenna Marbles talked about, here are my thoughts on the whole deal:

1.  The Scenario Doesn't Even Make Sense, Unless Nice People Have Suddenly Become Unlikeable

You have never gotten rejected for being nice.  I bet it's so easy to just chalk up your failed attempt at a relationship by simply saying you're too nice.  Instead, you're a passive aggressive child who won't own up to the real reasons that she likely doesn't want you.  You are probably not a catch, and you really might not be all that great.  Like, for example, maybe you're needy.  Maybe you aren't trustworthy.  Maybe you're terrible in bed (there are more of you out there than you think...).  Maybe she's just plain in love with someone else.  WHO KNOWS.  What I do know is that no one in the history of anything ever walked away from someone for being a NICE PERSON.

Why would "nice" even be the first adjective you lean on, anyway?  How does that even make sense?  Now, women say things like, "It's hard being a shy girl," because men like women who confidently make the first move, etc.  Women also say things like, "Nobody wants to date me because I've got kids."  And THERE is something that makes sense, because dating a single mom when you have no interest in kids would probably suck.  At the very least, I think it would suck a lot more than dating someone who is nice.  At least find a word that won't make women want to kick you in the face.  Go ahead -- I'll get you started:  "Unemployed guys finish last."  There you go.  "Guys with bad teeth finish last."  Yep.  "Guys with rage issues finish last."  Most times, unless you're good in bed.

Narcissa told me to not have a wall of text

2.  You're Not A Nice Guy Anyway

See, here's the thing -- If you're trying to make the girl look like the bad (or crazy, or insecure... I've heard "nice guys" say all of these) one for not being into "nice" guys, when really all she did was tell you how she felt, that it's not happening for you two, etc.... then you're not a very nice person.  I can't believe the number of times that the phrase "nice guys finish last" is so often followed by, "What a fucking bitch, is she too stupid to know what love is?"  That isn't exactly how nice people talk.

And I'm confused as to your motivation for being so "nice" in the beginning, considering that after the woman says sorry-Charlie, you do a complete fucking 180 on her.  You were nice just to get her into bed, weren't you?  You are such a little shit.

Why don't you just pay attention to yourself instead of talking shit about her?  I know you're busy putting all the blame of your sucky life on "that selfish bitch," thinking of ways in which you're so much better than her new "douchebag" of a boyfriend, and putting whiny messages on Facebook about how nobody sees how amazing you are.  But if you could take a break from all that, for just a sec?  And listen? 

Great, thanks:  YOU'RE A TOOL. 
Bellatrix says, "Look at all the fucks I give!  Look at them, Mommy!"

3.  You Think We Only Date Jerks.  You Think This Because You're An Idiot.

I know a guy who is a bit of a ladies' man, the eternal bachelor.  Think George Clooney, and then add the uncool excitement of being compared to George Clooney.  Now, do you think he was able to bag so many women by being a huge douche?  And by women, I'm talking all kinds -- smart, sexy women -- although I know some stupid bimbos slipped in there, but whatever.  He was at least nice to all of them, and not just to get them nekkid.  He's just a NICE GUY.  He's nice to bank tellers, waiters, his mom, etc. 

And he's been shot down before!  It's rare, but it happens.  What does he do?  "Hey, it's cool.  Enjoy your night."  Smiles at the girl, laughs it off with his buddies when they give him shit about it, picks up another girl later if things work out that way.  What do YOU do??  "OH.  I SEE.  FINE.  I GUESS I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.  WHAT'S THE MATTER, ARE YOU A LESBIAN OR SOMETHING?  ARE YOU LIKE ANGRY AT ALL MEN OR SOMETHING?  WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?  IF YOU WON'T GO OUT WITH ME, I'M ASSUMING YOU'VE GOT SOME JERK BOYFRIEND.  I'LL TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HE DOES."  And thennnnnn we find the ladies' man of the room and go home with him instead.  

See how that works?    
Micky:  "Oh, you want your seat back?  Lolzies."
Instead of writing a lengthy conclusion to my rant, I'll just offer a hearty "fuck off" to all the "nice guys" I've ever met.  :)

EDIT:  Oh, and Happy Halloween.  I'm not doing anything for it because I'm lazy and cheap.  Though a gorilla did chase me around my work building this afternoon.  That was enough for me.


  1. Pahahaha, I LOVE this. I think all of those "nice" guys need to hear it. If you're a nice guy, chances are you're going to get snagged up real fast. If you're a douche, you're not. Simple as that.

    1. Exactly. As my mom pointed out on Facebook, my brother is a nice guy. An actual nice guy. He got married when he was 21. He just turned 38, is still married to the same woman, and has two ridiculously awesome kids. Good job, nice house... the works.

      Okay, on the other hand, the real nice guys might be a little annoying too. ;)

    2. P.S. Congrats to you both on the fetus. I hope you're feeling okay, taco cravings aside. ;)

  2. All I could think of is the episode of GIRLS when Marnie was trying to get her "too nice" boyfriend to man up and be a little aggressive, and act a little frustrated. They always joked that he had a vagina, he was that soft. I used to always hate on girls that claim guys are "too nice" to date, then I watched this episode and was all like... Ew... He's way TOO nice and I couldn't handle that either! Curse, swear, frown, grunt... or something!

  3. Your post gave me inspiration to write my own take on nice guys:

    1. Cool! It's great to get a guy's perspective!

    2. A few years old, but here's a slightly different perspective: