10.31.2012

On "nice guys"

If you're a guy and you have ever uttered the phrase "nice guys finish last," I'm going to ask you one final time to get a fucking grip. 

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but I wanted to wait for some drama to blow over before I did.  In the meantime, Jenna Marbles actually ended up YouTubing the subject, and she probably said everything better than I ever could.  But I'll try anyway.

I have heard from so many guys about how the nice ones apparently finish last -- I see it on Facebook, I hear it from guy friends, and I've even heard it from guys that I have turned down.  "Women only date jerks," "she won't go out with me because she can't handle someone nice for once," "do women even have any self respect?  they can't see a good man when he's right in front of her," etc.  To add to what Jenna Marbles talked about, here are my thoughts on the whole deal:

1.  The Scenario Doesn't Even Make Sense, Unless Nice People Have Suddenly Become Unlikeable

You have never gotten rejected for being nice.  I bet it's so easy to just chalk up your failed attempt at a relationship by simply saying you're too nice.  Instead, you're a passive aggressive child who won't own up to the real reasons that she likely doesn't want you.  You are probably not a catch, and you really might not be all that great.  Like, for example, maybe you're needy.  Maybe you aren't trustworthy.  Maybe you're terrible in bed (there are more of you out there than you think...).  Maybe she's just plain in love with someone else.  WHO KNOWS.  What I do know is that no one in the history of anything ever walked away from someone for being a NICE PERSON.

Why would "nice" even be the first adjective you lean on, anyway?  How does that even make sense?  Now, women say things like, "It's hard being a shy girl," because men like women who confidently make the first move, etc.  Women also say things like, "Nobody wants to date me because I've got kids."  And THERE is something that makes sense, because dating a single mom when you have no interest in kids would probably suck.  At the very least, I think it would suck a lot more than dating someone who is nice.  At least find a word that won't make women want to kick you in the face.  Go ahead -- I'll get you started:  "Unemployed guys finish last."  There you go.  "Guys with bad teeth finish last."  Yep.  "Guys with rage issues finish last."  Most times, unless you're good in bed.

Narcissa told me to not have a wall of text

2.  You're Not A Nice Guy Anyway

See, here's the thing -- If you're trying to make the girl look like the bad (or crazy, or insecure... I've heard "nice guys" say all of these) one for not being into "nice" guys, when really all she did was tell you how she felt, that it's not happening for you two, etc.... then you're not a very nice person.  I can't believe the number of times that the phrase "nice guys finish last" is so often followed by, "What a fucking bitch, is she too stupid to know what love is?"  That isn't exactly how nice people talk.

And I'm confused as to your motivation for being so "nice" in the beginning, considering that after the woman says sorry-Charlie, you do a complete fucking 180 on her.  You were nice just to get her into bed, weren't you?  You are such a little shit.

Why don't you just pay attention to yourself instead of talking shit about her?  I know you're busy putting all the blame of your sucky life on "that selfish bitch," thinking of ways in which you're so much better than her new "douchebag" of a boyfriend, and putting whiny messages on Facebook about how nobody sees how amazing you are.  But if you could take a break from all that, for just a sec?  And listen? 

Great, thanks:  YOU'RE A TOOL. 
Bellatrix says, "Look at all the fucks I give!  Look at them, Mommy!"

3.  You Think We Only Date Jerks.  You Think This Because You're An Idiot.

I know a guy who is a bit of a ladies' man, the eternal bachelor.  Think George Clooney, and then add the uncool excitement of being compared to George Clooney.  Now, do you think he was able to bag so many women by being a huge douche?  And by women, I'm talking all kinds -- smart, sexy women -- although I know some stupid bimbos slipped in there, but whatever.  He was at least nice to all of them, and not just to get them nekkid.  He's just a NICE GUY.  He's nice to bank tellers, waiters, his mom, etc. 

And he's been shot down before!  It's rare, but it happens.  What does he do?  "Hey, it's cool.  Enjoy your night."  Smiles at the girl, laughs it off with his buddies when they give him shit about it, picks up another girl later if things work out that way.  What do YOU do??  "OH.  I SEE.  FINE.  I GUESS I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.  WHAT'S THE MATTER, ARE YOU A LESBIAN OR SOMETHING?  ARE YOU LIKE ANGRY AT ALL MEN OR SOMETHING?  WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?  IF YOU WON'T GO OUT WITH ME, I'M ASSUMING YOU'VE GOT SOME JERK BOYFRIEND.  I'LL TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HE DOES."  And thennnnnn we find the ladies' man of the room and go home with him instead.  

See how that works?    
Micky:  "Oh, you want your seat back?  Lolzies."
Instead of writing a lengthy conclusion to my rant, I'll just offer a hearty "fuck off" to all the "nice guys" I've ever met.  :)




EDIT:  Oh, and Happy Halloween.  I'm not doing anything for it because I'm lazy and cheap.  Though a gorilla did chase me around my work building this afternoon.  That was enough for me.

10.29.2012

Year of the Kate

People who read this blog and are friends with me on Facebook certainly have noticed an addition to my antics over the last year:  A girl named Kate.

Not Katie.  Not Katherine or Kathleen.  Her full name is actually Kate.  I'd like to write about her today because she is moving at the end of the week.


Looking uncharacteristically serious at Bazbeaux on Mass Ave.  She was probably thinking about beer.
Kate moved here in January to work as a co-op (whatever that means) in my company, supplementing her major of some kind of fancy science at some school in Ohio.  The Powers-That-Be sat her across the aisle from me, probably because they knew that I waste absolutely no energy on the co-ops and interns, which should ensure that more work gets done.  However, I discovered during lunch one day that she was laughing at my jokes, so I bothered to remember her name.

A little more about Kate: 
  • Kate is Catholic.  I make fun of her for it constantly.  She also likes to remind me that I have no soul.
  • She's really nice to her friends.


  • We have about a thousand inside jokes, but none of them are funny if I type it out.  Here, let me try one:  "Choo Choo is just the tiniest of all the littles!!"  ... Yeah, not funny.  Or we just quote shit that we hear, like from MST3K or that one video online about what science documentaries would be like if the host knew nothing about science.  Oh, here it is.  Should've figured it'd be on Cracked.com.  We just both have weird humor.  For example, she left this in my cubicle once: 

  • ay mamĂ­

  • She's extremely proud to be from Ohio, even though most people in Indiana consider Ohio to be "that really boring area to drive through," or simply, "pre-Pennsylvania." When she says she's from Cleveland, people give her a blank stare and nod. A few have said, "Oh, like Kings Island?"
  • She has the exact same pose in every picture, unless she's being silly.  Shown here:
Hand on hip, one knee bent, head slightly thrown back.  Certainly makes her look better in a dress than I do.  She says this pose is like a reflex to seeing a camera.  The rest of her sorority apparently does this, too.  "Because this is America," she'd say.   
  • I think she's secretly evil:  She doesn't like animals ("grrr, I'm just saying I never had them as pets!"); she has a bunch of "followers" on this thing called "Twitter" (sounds like a code name for sure); and when we were discussing our shared opinion of Now & Then being totally awesome, I discovered on my phone that one of the actresses from it died like five years ago, and I was all like "OMG :(" but Kate was all "oh, whatevs, kbai"
  • She has a lot of different sunglasses, so I get to try them on and look super cool. 
  • She is obsessed with baseball, especially for the Indians, her home team. Probably the only girl I know who has a few baseball jerseys.
  • She cries at movies really, really easily.  It is hilarious.
    • EDIT:  Not just movies.  She just came up to me and said, "Okay, um, should I read your blog now or is it going to make me cry?"  I was like, "Well, the post is maybe kind of funny..."  Her:  "I'm going to read it later."

So it looks like I'm going to have to actually make friends soon.  Like, actually put in the effort and time, and I suck at that.  I'm going to have to start being nice to people at lunch, attending little social things, and trying to find things in common with people.  Because I realized -- if I can find things in common between myself and a Catholic, Republican 21-year-old engineering student from Ohio who likes Twilight and Top 40 radio... I think the sky's the limit here.

10.07.2012

50 Things

First, my mom started a blog about her awesome childhood in the 1950s:  http://teaberrysgarden.blog.com/2012/10/03/first/.  Check it out -- she has great stories and is a talented writer.  Maybe I'll have her guest blog here sometime, or maybe she'll let me do it on hers.

The topic of "50 things I want to do before I die" is trending on Twitter.  I was inspired.  In no order at all:


1.  Meet Michael Nesmith.
2.  Meet Paul McCartney.
3.  Get that cute LG washer/dryer unit.  The red one.
4.  Have a kid.
5.  Write a cookbook.
     5 (a).  One for comfort food;
     5 (b).  One for campfire cooking; and
     5 (c).  One for healthy, fast cooking on the cheap.
6.  Rent a convertible and do Route 66.
7.  Go on a survival trip.
8.  Throw an arrow at a world map and travel to wherever it hits.  I hope the arrow hits land...
9.  Change the mind of a Young Earth creationist.
10.  Save someone's life.
11.  Be able to fit into this dress again:

12.  Sell that dress.
13.  Write a fiction novel.
14.  Fold and put away all my laundry.  Just once.  All I need is once.
15.  Emerge from financial debt without prostituting myself.
16.  Have a fulfilling career.
17.  Catch a foul ball at a major league game, even though I hate baseball.

(Maybe it's because I hate baseball.  "Hey, baseball sucks.  So I'm taking your ball.")

18.  Watch Paranormal Activity 2 without covering my eyes.
19.  Figure out a hairstyle I like and stick to it.
Not this one.

20.  Have a savings account.  (Again.)
21.  Live somewhere other than Indiana.
22.  Do one of those Tough Mudder challenge things.
23.  Be on Jeopardy.
24.  Sing in public.
25.  Help build a school in a poor area.  Follow up with people who work there.
26.  Finish my master bedroom.
27.  Take a ride around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
28.  Find out who the fuck the "Mother" is in "How I Met Your Mother."  Ted Mosby = worst storyteller ever.
Scumbag Ted Mosby.

29.  Run two miles in 12 minutes.
30.  Hit the front page on Reddit.com.
31.  Teach someone how to play the piano.
32.  Buy my childhood home and flip it.  My mom would have to move out first, I suppose.
33.  Participate in amateur night at a comedy club.
34.  Eat something that sounds disgusting but might not be.  Any suggestions?
35.  Detox from bad food, like my friend Kate did.  First week:  Fruits, vegetables, water only (with supplements).  Second week:  Introduce some proteins.  Third week:  Introduce dairy.  Etc.  (I might not be exact with that calendar.)  No alcohol, no oils, minimum carbs.  It sounds extreme, and Kate felt like shit the first week.  She also sounded like a pregnant woman:  "I want a cheeseburger.  I want cereal.  I want butter."  But I like challenges that are both mental and physical.
36.  See a tornado.  I GREW UP IN INDIANA AND HAVE NEVER SEEN A TORNADO.
37.  Get the muscles worked out in my neck so that I quit having tension headaches every day.  Can I get my insurance to cover massage?  I ask because I have missed work because of these headaches before.
38.  Have a successful veggie garden.
39.  Maintain a pond in my backyard with fish in it, like my aunt Carol had when I was little.
40.  Refinance my house and/or get my ex-fiancĂ©'s name off the mortgage and title.
41.  Ride a horse.  Maybe.  I don't know about this one.  I'm a bit scared of horses.
42.  Own a property with woods and a stream.
43.  Run a marathon.
44.  Make new memories in Orcas Island.

Me on the ferry to Orcas Island in 2007.  I kind of... cropped someone out of it.  I've been to Orcas three or four times, and, except for the last time, always had fun.  I want to go back someday.

45.  Visit an Indian reservation.
46.  Have the perfect little black dress.
47.  Kick Ben Roethlisberger in the nuts.
48.  Get a tattoo.  I have some planned out.
49.  Find a message in a bottle and write back.
50.  Write another list of fifty things I want to do because I have completed this one.


For the record, I have a one-up on Twitter, where the #50thingsiwanttodobeforeidie came from.  Twitter says:
1.  Get married (everyone does that)
2.  Meet Justin Bieber (not interested)
3.  Go skydiving (been there)
4.  Fall in love (done that)
5.  Lose my virginity (no comment... but I lived with someone I was engaged to... so let's face it, the jig is up)
6.  Go to Paris (I've heard it smells bad)
7.  Get Kim Kardashian to sit on my face (I'd rather die with no bucket list)

One thing I saw on Twitter that I'd also like to do:
"Throw a party with non-alcoholic beer and see how many people act drunk."  Good luck, my friend.