I didn't think of ticks.

I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy being awesome and accomplishing things.  That's right -- for those of you who don't already know, I have completed two items on my list of 12 For 2012:

3. Live off the land

This means anything from a simple weekend camping trip to a full-on week-long Survivorman-style adventure. I know that my mom is yelling at her monitor right now -- "You CAN'T do that. I am NOT going to let you. You're going to get hurt!! Or... or a bear might eat you!! What if you get hurt and can't move?!?! What if you get AUDITED?!?!?!"

David and I went camping with some friends this weekend... it was more along the lines of "simple weekend camping trip" that I mentioned above than gutting a fish and eating it raw, but I did cook our meals over a campfire -- which I was awesome at -- and I did sleep on the ground.  Uh, the first night.  Then the next morning, my shoulders and hips hurt so bad and I was so cold from that night (we were under a freeze warning) that I made an emergency run to Walmart and bought an air mattress.  Other than that, it was very much a weekend of tent, campfire, cooking over a flame, pissing outdoors, sleeping bag, beef jerky, minimal bear attacks, reading books.  Even if the book was downloaded onto David's iPad. 

The good thing about this time of year is that there are hardly any bugs out yet.  Some, however, reared their ugly heads... which brings me to my next item:

11. Kill a fucking huge spider

David usually does the spider-killing. I help by running into another room, screaming, and getting hives. In 2010, he killed a pregnant black widow on the front porch, and the stain from that horrifying night is still there on the concrete. But what if he's not at home someday, and I find a 50 pound spider in the living room eating the kittehs? I have to be calm enough to kill it with a revolver.

I was minding my own business, reading The Hunger Games out loud to my companions from David's iPad.  It was night time, probably about 11 p.m., and my legs were warming by the fire.  We'd just had an excellent dinner (if I do say so myself... and I'd say it again, heyoooo) of steaks, corn on the cob, roasted potatoes, and spicy green beans.  I had a tasty and refreshing Sprite by my side.  The scene was a cozy one.  I was comfortable... fed, warm, happy.  Unguarded.  That's when they know to come.
The fact that I am left-handed may have saved my life.  Spiders are trained to attack the right side of humans, knowing that it would incapacitate the majority of even the strongest men.  But I, being the freak of nature I am, held onto the iPad with my left hand; my right hand was absently wrapped around my Sprite bottle, which was in the sole cupholder of my blatantly biased-against-lefties chair.  I was right in the middle of a paragraph when I spotted the evil spidery soldier, wandering aimlessly up the right side of the iPad (probably wondering, "Where the fuck is the arm?  I should've hit the radial artery by now.").  And that yellow bastard was huge.  I did what any strong, independent woman would do, which was utter a "unnnnnhnhnnnnnnEW EW EWWWWWWW" and shake the iPad violently. 
The little fucker landed on David's shoe, and I stomped the living shit out of it.  David yelling out, "Um, OW, that was my foot" was the least of my concerns as I smeared the spider's guts through the dirt on the ground. 
In times like these, most people would feel triumphant -- gloat, strut around victoriously, brag to friends.  But not I.  I stayed on lookout.  At least an hour after the failed attempt on my life, we hadn't resumed reading the book.  I was too busy being vigilant.  With a flashlight, I inspected every inch of the campsite.  I chainsmoked five cigarettes.  I made my companions check my clothes and hair.  No other spiders were found; they probably aborted their planned battle when they saw their buddy's mangled corpse in the dirt near the fire.  They weren't anticipating the likes of me to contend with.
I learned my lesson about being unguarded in the wild.  It's a scary place. 
Then the day after we returned home, I found a tick in my clothes.  A freaking tick.  Those are arachnids too, right?  I killed that little bastard too.

This was my first time camping, believe it or not.  Anyone else have any good camping stories?


  1. Mrs. C wants to go camping, she is ex-girl scout. I do not do camping.

    Mrs C also is our designated spider killer though if I have to I do have a shoe and I will use it.

    Very Funny post.

    Cranky Old Man

    1. Maybe a compromise would be to go camping in your own backyard. :) Thanks for reading!

  2. My mom's idea of camping is a four-star hotel. Ha ha. So, you win!

  3. I do have a funny story. We were camping in our pop up camper,former husband, 3 children and I.
    I was in the midst of potty training my youngest child, so took along a port-a-potty. Now this is back in the 70's, money was tight and the only vacation that was affordable was camping in Indiana State Parks. So the cheapest one we could afford was just a seat with a plastic bag attached by a string!
    In the middle of the night the oldest child awoke " Mommy, I have to go potty!" " Really bad!" Now the bathrooms were about a block way but if we were to cut through the camp its was a short walk. "Ok" I say "I'll get my robe and shoes you do the same, I"ll also grab a flashlight". As we open the door of the camper, about 100 raccoons (3)were on the picnic table eating the marshmallows accidently left out.
    I am a pretty brave sort but wild animals and I do not see eye to eye, so to keep peace with them I will not go where they are! "But Mommy, I really have to go!" "I am not going out there, we'll have to come up with a new idea" DA DA Port-a Potty to the rescue! NOT!!!!Forgetting it was not that secure, I told her "We'll just use this" Well she start to go and the bag did not hold! I kept saying stop, stop! She started laughing and so did I, thus waking up the biggest most unbearable person I know........the FORMER HUSBAND!!!!!! Being his usual happy self, he screamed at us "what the F_ _ _ is going on in here" as he step out of the cot right into the biggest puddle of pee ever! It had pooled right at his bedside.

    1. LOL @ Carol's story!
      Camping in Michigan, I think, before you kids were born...car stuck in the stand and TOADS everywhere. Never seen such a thing.

      In Nebraska, by a river that had recently flooded...smelled like dead fish. I opened up a canned ham and it was all fatty and gross. Not a happy mommy.

  4. You have now mastered level 5: the level where you master ultimate adorableness while still being badass enough to eliminate a fucking huge spider-predator. I am high-fiving you. You know. Over the internet!

  5. Horray for 2 for 1 on your list! I really need to get on that list I drafted up . lol