12.27.2011

The show that really helped me "grow as a person."

I've had four days off and will write about Christmas later...my point is that I've had four days off, and that means some reality TV.  It was a busy weekend, but I was soooo fortunate to catch a new episode of Kourtney and Kim in New York, because it inspired me to write.

Someone needs to stop the Kardashians.

"But we're entertaining people," Khloe told the person who actually knows anything about the entertainment industry -- Barbara Walters -- and for some reason, she's right.  People keep their show on the air.  And why the fuck would that be?  Jealouuuuus?

Maybe it's because they don't understand them.  How they work.  I have never met women or men like them, and there's a part of me that wants to pick apart their circuit boards like an electrical engineer.  (That last part wasn't in jest.  I sincerely believe they are robots.)

My thoughts:

1.  Kourtney shits all over Scott's desire to get back in touch with Judaism, and he doesn't seem to be all that offended.  If my partner were to make fun of my religion or lack thereof, that partner may want to invest in a Flak jacket.  Scott was just like, "oh it's cool lol let's have Shabbat dinner."  The one thing he did say:  "Fine.  You don't respect my religion?  I don't respect your outfit.  Your shirt has no back.  And you look like a bumblebee."  You tell her, buddy.

Also, I'd like to see someone quiz Kourtney on the history and principles of Christianity.  She grilled Scott about the Old Testament and the meaning behind wearing a yarmulke, and because he didn't know those things (after freely admitting he hadn't been to temple in years), he wasn't a "real Jew," so she decided that their son would be raised Christian.  So, not only did she bash him for not being dedicated "enough" to his religion (in a one-sided scene where she whined that the navy yarmulkes didn't match her outfit while he was trying to get a Shabbat dinner organized, I wish he would've said, "Okay hot shot, so who baptized Jesus?"), but she brought their young son into it.  Here's the line, and therrrre's Kourtney way down that way.

2.  Kris Humphries reminds me of David Puddy, but Kim is more fucked up.  She cries constantly about wanting to be married and knocked up, but the girl just can't seem to stop doing the following things:  (1) Working on her "Brand."  (2) Walking out on marriages.  (3) Being absolutely insane about her personal bubble.  At what point do you not have enough money?  I would retire at that age if I wanted kids that badly. 

Kim deals with conflict about as well as my two-year-old niece, except you can point out something fluffy or sparkly to my niece and all is forgotten; Kim has her fluffy furs and sparkly diamonds but still needs to call her sister an "evil, ugly little troll" for assuming she can just WAKE KIM UP TO SAY GOODBYE.  At least five times an episode, Kim bleets, "That is like... sooo disrespectful?" or "Don't be RUDE."  And she's 30. 

3.  Maybe it's because Kris Jenner is more insane than Kim.  Kris Jenner is the one who wears enough lipgloss to fill an oil drum and acts like a raging alcoholic.  She's also the "mom" on this show.  She gets a cut as Kim's agent, so she's making damn sure that Kim stays busy.  In Kris Jenner's free time, she enjoys meddling in the lives of others and emasculating her husband in public.  Like when she gave him Viagra without him knowing.  (I've never caused a man to unknowingly ingest someone else's prescription drugs.  Is this why she's married and I'm not?)

And then there's how dramatic everything is with her.  Here's how I imagine this conversation went with a book publisher friend of hers:

Book publisher (BP):  So I heard that Kim's friend Jonathon is mentioning her in his new book?
KJ:  WHAT THE FUCK.  A TELL-ALL BOOK?
BP:  No... no, I think he's just mentioning her in the introduction--
KJ:  THE NERVE OF HIM TO WRITE A TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT MY FASCINATING CASH CO-- DAUGHTER, MY DAUGHTER -- EVERYONE IS ALWAYS TRYING TO WRITE BOOKS ABOUT HER BECAUSE I ALSO DID.
BP:  Really, it's not a tell-all book.  I don't even know why you would think that.  They've been friends for years.
KJ:  EVERYONE WANTS TO USE HER.  IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN I DO IT. 

So Kris calls Kim up, says she has "disturbing" news, and says that Jonathon is writing a tell-all book about her before ominously growling, "I keep telling you -- you can't trust anyone but your family."  I imagined those spirals from Hitchcock's Vertigo in her eyes as she said it.  Then Kim, per Kourtney's bat-shit insane advice, invites the poor guy to dinner on the premise of catching up, and before their food gets there, she blows up at him in the restaurant when he tells her he's writing "a book," along with many other projects. 

"You don't think that someone should know when you're writing a book about them?!"
His response:  /crickets.  And then, "What?"
But she just kept shouting.  And he tried to say things, and she said, "No, I don't want to listen to you, blah blah blah," and she left.  He looked absolutely dumbfounded.  Imagine having that happen, but with fucking cameras all over the place. 

He then kind of lost my sympathy and respect when he and Kim battled it out in the most mature way imagineable:  Twitter! 

Kim is surprised when she later finds out (by reading the fucking book) that Jonathon's book is not a juicy betrayal of her friendship, but about "How to be an 'It-Girl.'"  Oh noes, who would've thought that the world wasn't revolving around Kim?  Her response:  "So... it's just some like, bubblegum fluff piece?"

Nice one, Kim.  Insult his intentions, insult his intelligence by playing games with him, and then insult the genre of his book.  "Well, it's hard to know the truth a lot of the time, and when someone tells you that a tell-all book is being written about you, it's hard not to panic!"  Ahem -- Kim?  That "someone" was your MOTHER. 

4.  If you ever want to see an example of "Battered Wife Syndrome" on reality TV, you won't need to look any further than Bruce Jenner. 

I kind of want to sneak over to their house and unlock all the doors.  Even if I put bacon or something on the doorknobs, it would still take him a few days to find the doors, learn how to work them, and make sure no one else was around -- but eventually, he would stumble forth into the bright, unfamiliar sunlight, confused about the last several years and amazed at how modern cars have gotten since he saw them last.  "Am I... am I free?" he would wonder to himself with a trembling chin (but not a dimpled chin...pretty sure it's made of plastic), remembering with fear all the horrific things the Kardashian women put him through, not to mention all the things they're doing to his two young daughters (one of whom is already doing racy bikini photo shoots). 

"NO.  YOU'RE NOT FREE."  Kris drives up in her obnoxiously ginormous car.  "OUR TWO YOUNGER DAUGHTERS ARE GROWING UP TO BE HOT.  I NEED SOMEONE TO TORTURE ON CAMERA WHILE THEY'RE AT PORN MOVIE SETS."  She turns to the camera, "You know, I definitely just luuuurrrve my husband," she coos.  "He has definitely made me...grow as a person?  I definitely should learn to not take him for granted."  Bruce turns to the camera and mouths, "help me."

Kourtney's puppy Scott is headed the same way.

5.  The last time I hung out in bed with my laptop, which they always seem to be doing, I did not have full make-up on and Fancy Hair.  Maybe that's why they're married and I'm not.

I might think of more things to say about them later.  Don't worry, I've got lots of episodes on my DVR.  I wish I could say that was a recording glitch...but it isn't.

4 comments:

  1. I laughed throughout this entire post. Why do people (me and you- haha!) watch them?! My husband says it's like watching a train wreck, you know what's gonna happen but you can't stop yourself from looking at it happen. I can't stand any of them, but Kris J. and Kourtney are the worst. Humphries should be ecstatic he (kinda) dodged that bullet! ;)

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  2. Kris Jenner pimps out her kids a little, doesn't she?

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  3. wow dude, haha. you have a lot of passion geared at the Kardashians. Did you see the new episode of Absolutely Fabulous, where Patsy and Eddi don't know what the Kardashians are so they assume it's an STD?

    Hilarious.

    Anyway, I agree. It's a shallow show. But it's like a train wreck. You can't stop watching. I got sucked into that cycle one day, and kind of felt sucker punched. An episode came on after What Not To Wear or something, and I wasn't quick enough about changing it. And before I knew it, i was in a trance, drooling on myself, wondering how people like this exist, and why I couldn't stop watching.


    I think they're a subleminal messaging device of somekind. Perhaps Glen Beck is up to it. He's behind everything, you know?

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  4. I haven't seen AbFab in years, but that sounds like Patsi and Eddi to me. :)

    And of course Glenn Beck is behind it. "This family has drama? CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT." Oh wait, that's Bill O'Reilly. Oh well, they're probably in it together anyway.

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