12.01.2011

Perspective...and how I wish I didn't have any

My friend Eric was talking to me yesterday about how the meaning of things/people is relative depending on where you are.  Literally where, sometimes, and "where" as in "where in life" others.  Every change you make in your life means that some things will become less important, if not nonexistant, and others will take priority.  Maybe that's why you made the change -- to get away from some things, put importance on others, or maybe just find something else that you're able to care about.  (That hits close to home.  Pretty sure that's what my fianc√© did.)

So you work at a company.  The president of that company is a very important person. 

Say that I work at a different company.  I could not care less about the president of your stupid company.

If you change jobs and begin working at my company, that president -- around whom you would be on your best behavior, if not become nervous -- is no longer important to you whatsoever. 

You put so much thought into what that president thought of you -- I should word this email flawlessly.  Am I dressed right for this meeting?  Does he/she care that I'm leaving?  And not even just the president, but the whole company, the internal processes, any friendships, your cubicle.  All that goes on there seems so important.  Things have to be done.  But anyone outside your company doesn't care.  I hear it all the time:  "I'm a realtor for Coldwell Banker," "I'm a photographer for the Journal & Courier," "I teach second grade at East Tipp"... people state their job titles with such importance.  However, I have a pretty intangible job title, at least to anyone who isn't in my industry.  So what happens when someone puffs out his chest and says, "I'm a Strategic Business Unit Leader." 

/crickets

We have people with that job title in my company and I even had to Google it.

When that person is no longer important to you, where does all that energy go?  Just to some other president whose importance to you is relative to whatever position you hold at the company?


I want to work on not caring so damn much.  That way, if my life ever changes, I won't have to redirect my energy to some other ridiculous thing -- office politics, gossip, my hair.  I'm at the point where I need something more, and I can't get more if I spend all my time giving a shit about what other people think.  I thought that I had already accomplished that years ago, but I find myself pouring into molds that others have made for me, and it's exhausting. 

I want to be silly, funny, and loud without anyone asking me if I've taken my meds.  I want to do different things on weekends instead of sitting in my $8 green chair. 


Which is amazing, but still.

I want to read and write more without being told what to read or how to write.  I want to be able to vent about work without anyone else saying, "No more work talk!  Boooo work talk!" because damn it, I have to fucking vent to someone sometimes, and you're not letting me.  I want to have fun in public or at least around other people in my own house without anyone accusing me of being annoying or not acting my age, because actually, the point of my life is not to be attractive to someone or act like a prude, but the point of my life is to live it the way I want. 

Point is, I'm pretty sick of having to act the way other people want me to act.  Trying to be a "lady" is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting, which is why I only really put effort into being ladylike at company events or when I'm in public with people I don't know very well.  If my thong is hanging out of the back of my pants, then OMFG that means I'm just like every other woman in the country who (unintentionally... coinslot girls, I'm not talking to you) has that happen.  When people point out that the phrase is "swear like a sailor," and not in fact "swear like a nice, educated woman," I'd like to point out that the word "fuck" has been around since the 14th Century and was used -- well, wittily, and often -- by Chaucer.  Who's only... you know... the Father of English literature.  Yes, I realize that uneducated people swear too, but some of the best writers use language in a way that invokes feeling... when I swear in my blog or in life it's because I'm trying to get that feeling out, and sometimes, saying "I am so angry" doesn't cut it, but "FUCK!" does. 

The last few weeks have been hard because I've been saying more what's on my mind and acting the way I want -- this leads to tension around those closest to me, because (1) It's been a long time since I've acted like "me," and (2) I suppose I could have warned them first.  People don't expect me to speak up when I don't think something is fair, but now it seems I'm doing it every few minutes -- maybe because people have gotten used to talking down to me, and I had gotten used to either believing it (ugh) or keeping my mouth shut.

Now I just have to get past some of the fear I still have about piping up.  Mostly I'm afraid to do this at work, but I'm also afraid to do this in my personal life because it's just so much easier when people aren't mad at me.  For some reason, most of the people I know enter the Twilight Zone when they're mad, and there is absolutely no reasoning with them.  I have to practically document every single thing before starting a discussion on something, because I'll get lost among the fast-talking angry people before I even know what we're arguing about.  Even if I do get my point across, what are the chances that things will change?

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