So I'm hosting Fourth of July this year. I'm scared.
My aunt Carol usually does it, with her ginormous house, yard, and above-ground pool. She has those aluminum tray thingies with the flames underneath? To keep food warm? You know? (Just had a flashback of one of Jennifer Weiner's short stories: "We'd like you to give up your weapons? 'Cause terrorism? Is like, bad?") She has at least a half-dozen folding tables and two dozen folding chairs. And a VOLLEYBALL NET.
But a couple weeks ago, my favorite aunt Carol had knee replacement surgery, so I offered to take the Fourth of July off her hands. I sent out an email to about thirty people, and I've heard back from exactly four. My brother probably won't even be there, he said, which sucks because his family's the only one that uses my badminton set. Well, and it sucks because they won't be here. But mostly it's about the badminton.
I'm afraid I don't have enough outdoor seating for everyone. Should I set up food in the garage? You can't set up food inside the house on Fourth of July; that would be un-American. I think I need another crockpot. I think I need more recipes.
- corn on the cob
- potato salad
- sloppy joes (crockpot)
- baked beans (CROCKPOT, FUCK)
- deviled eggs... two batches, one with dill and one without
- hot dogs, which I can make into corn dogs by request (I thought that was the coolest fucking idea ever, but the two people I told weren't impressed)
shit, what am I missing? I have a good recipe for a BBQ pork salad, but it just seemed like so much. I suppose the party could use a few vegetables, even if they're slathered in barbeque sauce and red meat. That's the American way.
Okay, but it always seems like Aunt Carol has way more food than that. The tradition with my family, as I've said before, is to make enough to feed everyone in the Midwest, but pick at your food once it's on your plate. I'm amazed I have family members who way more than 50 pounds, the way we eat. But I'll be ridiculed for life if I throw a party with a sorry menu like that, even if only four people show up.
I have some work to do.